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Why I am unique, and how my environment affects this.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

When you travel....

The whole world travels with you....... I hate travel these days. Especially days like this, dead days of travel, trying to fill in the day with some pointless occupations. This day will take forever, why does this never happen on the weekends when I have so much to do? Gahhhhh..... I also left some very valuable travel supplies at my last hotel, most importantly, my travel razor holder, and my travel soap dish. Grrrrr..... Words do not describe. And I am also very tired. Could be my bun baking away. Probably is. This makes me very apathetic though. I am also feeling a bit squiffy these days, so while I am starving, I also feel squiffy. Nice. Gotta love the bun. O do apologize for my worthless blog this day, but life is hard.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Discovering what kind of mother I am.

What kind of Mother am I? Am I patient? thoughtful? forgiving? Loving? Enduring? Understanding? Awful? Short-tempered? Disciplined? Mean? Sharp-tongued? I found out last night. Last night, was the night of Mother's day. It is a day, widely revered and celebrated as a mother get the day off kind of day. Mom lies in bed, mom gets flowers and gifts, mom gets rest. What did I get? I got a Powder compact (T.LeClerc, pressed powder, Abricot, lovely) and an early rise, the opportunity to bundle Martin into the car, off to the airport to drop Jason off so he could board a plane and leave. It was just like any other week-end day that Jason leaves me, and I am meant to spend the day trying to evade feeling unproductive because can get nothing done because of Martin, being annoyed and annoying by to to my mother. I hate when Jason leaves us on the weekends. It's really the only time we get to spend together. Why can't he leave during the week? This is when I skip town, typically on a Monday afternoon. Very seldom on a Sat, as a point of fact, I have done it twice. And both times I was very upset. I am lucky that my job requires very little in the way of after hours commitment, including weekends. But on to my gripe, before I run out of steam. Last night, was like any other Sunday night. I put Martin to bed, washed my hair, then put some clear nail polish on my bare nails. Got into bed at 10ish, began watching Kojak and reading a book, and Martin awakes. I go into his room and rub his back. No. I pick him up and we glide. No. I bring him to bed. No. We walk. No. I put him back in his crib. No. I bring him back to bed. No. I finally lull him to sleep...three hours later. I am ashamed to admit what the No's mean. These represent times when I am hard and unforgiving of my small son and my husband. I am selfish, thinking only of my own comfort. I am short, and abrupt at my 11.9 months old son, as if he can understand why he is awake. As if he can control it. I try to nurse him, but it does not work. He unlatches and cries. He can sense that my heart isn't into the cuddling. The snuggling. The rubbing. I feel as if I am going crazy. Why won't you sleep, I ask him, angrily. What is wrong with you? Stop crying. I am going to put you into our own bed if you are going to cry. Back in his crib, I manage to catch a 10 minute power nap, until his cries become louder and more ardent. I wake up, rested but not refreshed, not any more forgiving. Just angry. I get him out of his crib, back into our bed. He still cries, squirms. I am raising my voice. Not yelling, but with a very strident tone, and e can sense my anger a cries louder. I am at the end of my rope. Then I see the look in his eyes. It's like he is asking me, why are you doing this? I don't know why I can't sleep. And just like like, the anger is gone, and I feel love again for my small son. I place him in between my legs, on his back and I begin massaging his tiny body and limbs, while shushing. He calms, then he sleeps. I look at his sleeping face, and I am grateful that I have had this opportunity to discover what kind of Mother I am.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I'm back, baby!

Nice trip, Paulette. Did you have a nice month off? Was the stress of those two back to back posts too much for you, and you need FOUR WEEKS OFF?!?! Yes, thank you very much. But, before we go any further. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, dah dah dah dah dah dah, happy birthday to me. It's my birthday. The big 3 4. That's 34. How did I get here? I still feel like a teenager. Not like 34 is terrible old, but still. To celebrate my birthday I....went to work. Welcome to adulthood. Actually, I was away on travel, just up the road in Lancaster, PA. Doing the seminar. So I also had the privilege of boring people to sleep also, not a bad present. I also went to the outlet mall that was right next door and I purchased: MAC lipglass in Bazarrish Coach handbag Coach wallet Swim trunks for Martin Shorts for Martin Top for Martin The last three items were not for me. Then I got home to find: Mother's day bouquet I ordered for my Mom for mother' day Two large boxes from e-bags that turned out to be: Hard bag I have always coveted. A hot pink travel bag for me to replace the busted POS. Yay. Now for the bad news. I went online to coach.com to find my handbag and could not. I thought it was NEW, but could not be bothered to go back out into the living room and look for the name, so I will do this tomorrow, and if I have some old, crap bag, it will be going back. I may have gotten it at the outlet, but I still paid way too much for some 10 year-old style, KWIM? What else to tell you all. Stupid people (This will be a regular feature form now on) Some people don't have the sense of a coakroach. I wonder how they manage to take a shower without drowning. Okay, I'm feeling mean, get over it. So, I was at my seminar, which occurs in a hotel. My company gives the seminar, so I work there. We always have a breakfast and a lunch at these events. This is significant information. Also, we tend to have these seminars at large, full service hotels, so there is more often than not, another group having their own function. So, our breakfast is set up outside the room, and these ladies from the next meeting over show up and start helping themselves to some chow-chow. Now, I am not a cheap you-know-what but still, they had their own friggin breakfast at their own function. So, get a clue ladies. Notice that the people around you are not wearing the same badges you are. Number two, almost same occurrence, but lunchtime. And they waited in line behind us for several minutes before my (nice) co-worker took pity on them and informed them that their group was in another room. Funny thing about me (also to be a regular item) You may have noticed that I don't swear. Every now and then, one slips out, but very infrequently. I was listening to Sugar from System of a Down, and I was saying frigging instead of you-know-what. He he he. Sayonara.